Are you Affirming or Annoying?

Have you ever noticed that it is in our nature as humans to be self-serving and self focused? We don’t have to prompt ourselves to think about what we need or want yet we do have to take time to think about the needs of others. Business professionals who are great leaders and salespeople have the talent of affirming and encouraging others.

These people are often referred to as “insightful, caring, understanding, appreciative and perceptive”. They have learned the skill of building others up by giving emotional and psychological strokes. We all crave more affirmation and have an unseen “emotional stroke counter” that keeps track of the deposits and withdrawals to our self-image and self-esteem by others. Understanding this concept and developing new skills will empower you to help other people get their emotional needs met while meeting your own financial and business growth needs.

The reality that underpins this is that we all have a stroke-counter. A tank, if you will. And when this tank is not filled, when there are more withdrawals than deposits and our self-image is feeling volatile, our natural response is to react in ways that typically lead us to receive positive feedback and strokes. The amount of damage and pain this can cause is proportionate to the need and urgency that we feel for admiration. A manager who feels they aren't demonstrating their value to their constituents is liable to create artificial problems that they can solve. Though, the problems are only artificial in theory, in actuality managers often create actual problems with actual consequences. Owners can be more volatile and lead to more disastrous outcomes. We train ourselves to be covert arsonists so we can be the well-respected fire marshal in our organization that solves issues. Individuals in sales can be sucked into playing games with prospects and become professional visitors because their needs being met means more to them than their drive to generate revenue for the company and build financial worth and stability for themselves and their families. 

The truth is that people hunger for recognition and through these four channels we can meet that need and become a trusted confidant:

1. Verbal - a spoken message in the presence of others is powerful acknowledgement.

2. Touch - a warm embrace, handshake or pat on the back communicates connection. In a business environment, you need to be mindful of what forms of touch strokes are appropriate. In the NFL a slap on the behind is appropriate; not so in business!

3. Written – a handwritten message shows appreciation and is a connecting force. Thank you notes or even an affirmation on a post-it-note can be very meaningful to the recipient.

4. Time - to listen actively demonstrates concern; being on time and respecting other people’s time shows that you honor those you are communicating to.

The type of stroke you provide others these basically fall into three categories:

• Warm Fuzzy Strokes: this is “feel good” positive encouragement. To register as fuzzies a compliment must be sincere. Example: “I love your tie, where did you get it?”

• Cold Prickly Strokes: this is a negative often sarcastic form of attention. People don’t like these, but if they can’t get enough fuzzies, they will accept pricklies. Some people prefer this display of attention. For men it feels less “mushy” yet it conveys camaraderie and affection. Example: “Wow, did you actually buy that tie?”

• Rubber Band Strokes: this starts out seemingly positive, but quickly become negative. Example: “Gee, I love your tie. I remember when I had one just like that back in the 80’s.” While it makes the recipient feel Not OK, the person dishing out the crack gets a cheap OK feeling. Later, that same person might experience his own Not-OK feeling – guilt.

• Conditional Strokes:  given for something accomplished;

• Unconditional Strokes: is given for who you are not what you do. Most people place a higher value on, and have a greater need for, unconditional strokes.

As you develop these skills you will experience a tremendous personal impact. You will feel better about yourself, develop trust more quickly and the morale of those around you will increase noticeably. Set a goal to give 10 unexpected conditional or unconditional strokes daily. When I first took on this challenge the shocked expression on the faces of my employees (Followed by the suspicious look that said “what happened to Jim?”) told me that I was not measuring up to the caliber of leadership I aspired to. Amazingly you can draw more flies with honey than vinegar…who would have thought!

I have developed a great tool that I use for practicing and developing strokes. It's a simple word document that I built to help me see and understand the best way to communicate approval of others actions and development. Reach out if you'd like to see this document to Jim.Stephens@sandler.com and I'd be happy to walk you through how to use it.