From Drama to Winner: Assertive, Vulnerable, and Nurturing

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Backstory:

One of our pre-requisite engagements with Marcus Cauchi is to see his daughter prospecting and cold-calling. This video is Marcus’ 11 year old daughter doing a cold call. Jim and Marcus open with discussing prospecting and the importance of having a system. Ana’s advantage is that she’s having fun, she doesn’t know what she doesn’t know. All she needed to figure out what a structure for success is when trying to prospect.

~Summary~

Marcus is a storyteller and he takes us on a journey through the drama triangle while discussing the human condition with Jim. His key quote from Mark Twain is, “When we remember we’re all mad the mysteries disappear, and life stands explained.” The human condition has transformed through periodic conceptual leaps from rock to blade and these shifts in the human condition. We exist as prescriptions of our dysfunctional relationships that have continued since our initial programming via family and friends throughout our youth and deep into our adult experience.

The victims are living in a “why me?” experience and the only thing that rolls up hill are excuses. Victims are part of our cultural of blame that puts off responsibility in favor of activating resentment against those in charge who stand at a distinct advantage from the individuals. This perceived advantage reinforces the notion that the victim is at a disadvantage and allows responsibility and ownership to escape the grasp of change.

The persecutor “you piece of…” comes with a jabby finger and the pronoun you that diminishes you at the identity level and attacks you for who you are. Persecution can create turn over, stifle innovation, risk-taking, and build a culture that does the absolute minimum to not get in trouble.

The rescuer is the enabler that creates a culture of learned helplessness and upward delegation. Rescuing is helping without boundaries or permissions. It disempowers individuals and removes agency. It encourages the top talent to leave and only the weak to stay behind. Rescuers “No, no, I’ll show you how. Let me do it” They confront the issue and hate conflict—even constructive conflict.

Persecutors and rescuers create an environment where there is no trust. The problem is that we think that something is there or isn’t there that may or may not be. Persecutors think people are out to get them. Rescuers think no one can do it properly. Victims think that its not them and its unfair.

Ego thrives on drama. The drama triangle exists because individuals’ egos are hooked into an emotional game. Marcus uses the example of a fight with his wife. He suggests that this example is a premium example of the drama triangle because he has a fight with his wife entirely without including her. This engagement causes him to reflect on what necessary changes and adjustments can he make in order to preclude drama as a main stay in his mind.

In order to feel okay about ourselves we need to find someone who is more not-okay than us. The emotional hook is the attempt to perceive okayness. We are a species that seeks out this not okay in others. He makes the suggestion that British colonialism was an attempt to export misery out of the country in order to keep the okayness of the entire nation high.

“I couldn’t believe how ignorant my father was when I was 14 and I couldn’t believe how much he’d learned by the time I turned 21.” Because of this we end up in broken and dysfunctional relationships where we’re out of control and emotionally attached. We reach back to the past where we collect stamps and use past hurts to reference our present conditions and frustrations. We carry baggage all the time and we’re surrounded by our own baggage. In general for us to feel okay we need to find someone who feels more not okay than us.

Get a pen and write down the British mantra for happiness.

1. Never complain
2. About anything
3. Even to myself [even in thoughts]

The basis of prejudice is judgment. By working through awareness raising we can come closer to confronting our self-limiting beliefs and head trash that ambushes and sabotages our daily encounters and behavior. The depressing thing is that when you realize the frustrations you compound on individuals the more aware and the more you try to fix the issue that is internally.

The key is to detach yourself from the outcome and detach yourself from the requirement to promote or create change. If you have a weak or empty sales pipeline then you might be trapped and frustrated by attachment. Individuals who are scared about the future pad their pipeline with maybes and badly qualified leads and ambush their own pipelines.

Sales individuals need to get five unique prospective decisions with decision-makers every day. This requires them getting past the gate-keeper and through to the decision maker. This encounter and continued engagement and follow through with daily minimum sales behavior will create a pipeline that is three times bigger than it needs to be. This allows your psyche to walk away from bad business engagements. It allows you to have access to a choice.

The Winner’s Triangle changes the drama triangle. Instead of being a victim you become vulnerable. This pursuit to make yourself woundable and do it anyway. You put yourself out there in front of the danger that you might be hurt. “I’m so sorry,” “it’s my fault.”

Instead of being a rescuer you are nurturing and empathic. You acknowledge the other person and you validate individuals and you value them. The persecutor moves from being aggressive to assertive. This triangle then moves from points to it’s flat edge and we can take advantage of multiple positions on the triangle.

This idea of being simultaneously vulnerable, nurturing, and assertive allows for a powerful engagement that is up front on the abilities and habits of individuals. A practical application of this would be turning his engagement with his wife from the first segment into a Winner’s triangle.

This adoption requires a pursuit of authenticity. So much of drama exists first in our own mind and that version of reality is not close to the real story that the other person is engaging. Or as the Sandler rule goes, “If your foot is hurting you’re probably standing on your own toe.”