Critical or Nurturing?

TA (Transactional Analysis)

Transactional Analysis is a post-Freudian psychological concept that suggests the ego states that are formed are formed after birth. When we enter the world, we watch how people interact with us and that defines for us the states we align ourselves with. Typically, our choices are made based on how we determine the successes of each approach.

Your Parents

The Parent ego state is comprised of the Critical and the Nurturing. This state is built out of your experience and interactions with parents, mentors, and people who you look up to. The way they treat others in terms of correction, reinforcement, and training determines how you pass that along to others. The Parent is a programmed way of responding that you learn from experience and observation.

A Critical Parent is likely to give instruction rather than look for understanding. A lot of the language that the Critical Parent uses is judgmental. The implicit and corrective suggestions don’t look to help the other learn nd unpack their mistake, but rather are looking to take ownership of the solution. Statements like:

• You should have…

• You should…

• Why didn’t you…?

• You need to…

Critical language can be useful and appropriate, but typically it is not the best way to generate buy in when moving forward or helping coach another individual.

A Nurturing Parent focuses more on understanding and empathy to breakdown the barriers toward a solution. The language is, as is no surprise, nurturing. It looks to help someone be heard about their issues in order to generate and help them discover a solution to the problem. The language is emotional and tied into the process of the other individual.

• I feel like what I’m hearing you say is…

• That’s awful, how did that make you feel?

• What can I do to help you?

• Why do you think this happened?

The Adult

The Adult ego state is the present state of awareness. In sales we say that the Parent gives permission to the Child to buy and the Adult justifies the decision. The adult justifies the decisions you make using rational and developed thought to understand and reinforce the choices made. This can go both ways; the key is to challenge the Adult when it comes to justifying decisions that did not work out in anyone’s favor.

The Adult is a valuable tool, but without self-awareness the Adult can end up causing more harm than good by continuously arguing on your behalf when the reality of the situation doesn’t mesh with the choices that were made.

The Children

The Child ego state is broken down to the Natural, Rebellious, and Compliant states.

The Natural Child is looking to have fun and involve others. It is happy and grateful to be present and together. It wants to make sure everyone is on the same page and having fun. It may be playful and sometimes, depending on who you are, the playfulness of the Natural Child can be mean. This is typical with people, like me, who are strictly Critical.

The Rebellious Child wants to fight back. Overtime this comes out more verbally than physically. It is a contrarian that wants its way but doesn’t know what way that is—it just knows the way it wants is not the way being offered.

The Compliant Child is cautious and attentive. It may take feedback and instruction and not follow them as it silently objects to the injustices of the world. In a way, “go clean your room,” turns into the Child returning to their room and sitting on their bed with arms crossed. They are not directly rebelling, they are obstructing your objectives, but not to your face.

The cautionary tale to remember is that all these ego states exist within all of us, all the time. The way you approach someone else prompts a reactive ego state. If you address someone in the Critical Parent, you are likely to bring out their Rebellious Child or their Compliant Child. In your interactions with others, whether emotional or not, consider what outcome you would like to accomplish and what ego state might best suit getting to that place.

In sales we suggest your selling should be 70% Nurturing Parent and 30% Adult. This is true in Management and in relationship developing, if you are risking reactive responses because your comfort zone is Critical or Childish, then you might consider looking for strategies that can catch you and that you can implement to change your initial demeanor.

If you’d like to have a conversation about how we use TA in Business and train it to large groups in order to mitigate workplace drama, reach out to me at Jim.Stephens@sandler.com. Have a great week!