Typically, escalating or placating a situation arises as a direct consequence of the games that people play. The workplace is not a place for games, but often individuals come to work contaminated by scripts and games they’ve learned at an earlier time in life. We also bring these same scripts and it allows for engagements that appear motivated by an agenda on the surface but are more often driven by their subconscious motive (script) which motivates their action.
Generally, games are unproductive because they exist out of flawed interactions and end in a disruption. We may be more comfortable with the games played our personal lives, but when it comes to the workplace, we must develop a rational process absent of any games in order to maintain professional courtesy and productivity.
When games are played the interactions typically end in an uproar, an upset party, or someone walking away, with no victors left in the heated field. Often these are associated with people demonstrating the desire to burn the bridge in front of them with no regard to the consequence. The scripted behaviors that we learn early on in our life have a tendency to dominate important interactions and sabotage relationships.
We can avoid this by watching our behavior, in situations where we know what the outcome we want to pursue is, but ultimately our task is to recognize the games that we play, and that our counterparts play, in order to build a list of alternatives that are more Adult and straightforward. We use the adult as a model out of Transactional Analysis which is an underpinning of the Sandler Selling System.
The basic concept is there are three ego states: Parent, Adult, and Child, which develop as scripts learned during the formative childhood years. These scripts are recordings held of either literal parents, authority figures, or counterparts which you acknowledged, watched, and saw the consequences of their encounters and stored it away for later use. The Parent ego state consists of parental messages of expectations and admonitions (Critical Parent) and messages of reinforcement, love, and nurturing (Nurturing Parent). The Child ego state consists of recordings of emotional responses and feelings. Underneath the Child ego state are the Natural, Rebellious, and Adapted Childs that reflect its various facets. Underneath all of those is the component known as the Little Professor, a manipulative variance of the Child which can be dangerous if not held in check by a strong Adult.
The Adult is the only ego state which continues to develop after the age of five or six when the recordings have finalized. You are in the Adult now. New information is being recorded, and corrective information is stored and incorporated over time. The Adult ego state is the rational, problem-solving ego state that can create compromises and process data decisively using facts and logic. When the other ego states arise, it is important to ask rational, logic-based questions to prompt your counter-party into the Adult and salvage the interaction. To stay away from games is to choose the Adult and not allow your Child or your Parent to dominate your interactions with scripted behavior.
When it comes to sales and decisions, as Sandler said, “People buy emotionally; they only make decisions intellectually.” This reality is a double-edged sword where if we engage in bad communication or have a negative experience we will validate our own part in the encounter and then justify the decision through the Adult. We can ambush ourselves in life and then validate the choices that we made through rationalized, Adult thinking; the Adult will make us feel good about what has transpired, but without reflection and awareness, we may allow ourselves to cyclically spiral on trends of behavior that do not end in the way we want.
Remember: there is no place for games in the workplace and the Adult is a way to salvage encounters without dipping into scripted behaviors such as placating or escalating situations. We must learn to be active in our communication, intentional in our actions, and present to the scripts of others. This will allow us to be more fruitful in our engagements, more enjoyable to be around, and more productive members of our organizations. A true leader begins by learning to lead from within. Check out the chapter below from Josh Seibert's book, Winning from Failing, if you want some more relevant tips on stepping out of games and avoiding drama and listen to my interview with Josh Seibert on my podcast.
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