Internal clients and customers can be frustrated when they come face to face with SNAFUs or they are experiencing burn-out from the duration of the engagement with us. When we face this scenario, we might feel first off, uncomfortable. And that sense can sabotage the engagement because it triggers a programmed response from us, rather than prompts our techniques and tactics to solve problems. When we engage with defensive communication gates we need to understand that our focus is to fix the problem and the upset individual while maintaining our own self-esteem and confidence.
Issues come from a variety of experiences. It can be frustration about a situation or anxiety about the future; disappointment in the delivery or fear about the mixed messages they’ve received from different departments; or more non-invasive, such as people who like to talk and monopolize your time or people who want to shift their tasks or responsibilities to you rather than take ownership.
When someone comes to us from a position of being difficult with clear issues that we need to deal with, the most important piece of dealing with them is breaking down their defensive gates. There are five pieces to doing this effectively which can save you time, money, and energy and all of them are most successfully done when you act with polite assertiveness and remain confident and retain control of your self-esteem.
1. Listen closely.
When someone is frustrated, they aren’t looking to be shut up and offered solutions, they want to be heard first and foremost. In order to do this we need to isolate ourselves from distractions and give them our full intention. Too often we might listen, but be multitasking, either typing on the keyboard or moving papers on our desk; maybe the conversation is with someone whose combative and we’re focused on reacting or formulating a response; or we might be too passive in our conversational strategies. “Uh-huh” and “yeah” are so often used in conversation that they demonstrate more someone who is not listening than someone who is listening.
2. Prove it.
When you’re helping someone communicate by listening you need to take ownership of your presence in the conversation. In person we want to actively listen with our entire body and note specific and repeated phrases the individual is using in order to validate their opinion. By using the words of others we set them up to feel understood. We should be actively nodding or, if we’re on the phone, saying “I understand,” “I see,” “Go on,” and “tell me more about that.” As we listen we also want to paraphrase what we’re hearing and summarize it. A summary can help move forward in the conversation, but a paraphrase can help us know that we are clearly understanding the other person’s issues and both are important.
3. Stay out of the Drama Triangle.
Don’t react by falling into a role in the drama triangle when someone is aggressive with you. Remember that you are confident and in control. Don’t allow someone to drag you into a victim, persecutor, or rescuer role. Be politely powerful when people are wrong and challenge them on their revisionary techniques often clouded by the past. And, be politely assertive with individuals who are being unreasonable. Use nurturing tonality to ask challenging questions that force a solution into their court, “What would you like to see happen?” Do not let someone trap you into mirroring their emotional state. Help them get over their issues, don’t become one for them.
4. Apologize
Remember that apologizes are not about assigning blame. We do not always apologize for what someone did or how we’ve failed, apologies are more about validating the experience of the individual you’re engaging. That means we apologize to express regret that the experience which has led to the current circumstances happened. It’s important to take responsibility for our customers and internal clients. We want to be able to take people from the Not-OK position to the OK position so that we have room to offer a solution and build a clear future.
5. Follow-up after Thanks.
When a resolution has been garnered or a conflict has been engaged, no matter what emotional baggage will hang in the air, be sure to thank the individual for their time and set up a plan to follow-up with them with their knowledge. Often, we’ll walk away from conflict and gain nothing out of it. Our ability to be engaging and competent human beings is demonstrated by our willingness to take ownership and then build on an experience which may have not been perfect. Always thank an individual for their time and always commit to following up to ensure that any hard feelings are broken down and we make it to a place where our relationship can move on.
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