The Four Fs of an Effective Apology

In our programming from friends, family, and society, we’ve been trained to participate in playing games with drama. Games are played because there can be a payoff, it transfers responsibility from actions to drama, and it avoids the real issue. Some people may play drama games because they feel like they’re stroke deprived and need some bolstering of their ego. Others play games to get close to people without risking intimacy. Overall, games are a way people try to get what they want instead of asking for it.

Too often a transgression impedes in relationships in a way that completely hampers what larger results can be garnered from the relationship. We are often willing to sacrifice value and growth because of a felt attack on our pride. I don’t like other people not acknowledging that I am right, but is it worth the time, money, and resources to wait around for someone to acknowledge that I’m right before I act?

To stay out of games we’ve to recognize the game that’s being played and own our action. We can do this by being vulnerable; vulnerability shows a healthy self-esteem and is key to getting others to demonstrate vulnerability as well. Curiosity is the only emotion that sparks the left and right side of the brain at the same time and vulnerability prompts curiosity in discussions that have fallen short. Be curious and encourage curiosity by being vulnerable.

You need to recognize your own games and the types of games that you play. Take ownership of your actions and do not allow your programmed behavior to take over an experience with another. Remain in the Adult and focus on asking questions that quantify and require logic to understand. If you are trying to engage another individual then speak with a nurturing tonality and try to avoid being a persecutor whose focus is to isolate and then victimize someone else in the conversation. In dialogue ALWAYS restate and rephrase.

A key to success is closing the feedback loop and one way to do this is setting a daily goal to use these two tactics five times a day:

• Would you mind repeating back to me what you heard me say, so I know we're on the same page?
• Would it be okay if I let you know what I heard you say, to make sure we're on the same page?

In conversation, it's very difficult to keep track of responsibility and presence. By restating, summarizing, and paraphrasing we put ourselves in a position to actively find success and build a stronger sense of rapport and connection with the people we talk to. This can ultimately allow our businesses to be more profitable as more and more people are on the same page and we are becoming a tighter knit group that understands and appreciates the significance of subtleties within each of our expectations.

Sometimes responsibility needs to be taken in any circumstance to kill the drama and I'm going to ask you to take the initiative, fall on the sword, and fix the situation in order to make sure that we can go into the future without this haunting us. In order to be an effective leader, we need to stop being persecutors and begin focusing on being assertive.  Instead of rescuing people, we need to nurture them and help them discover what changes they would like to see. We can only do this if we set boundaries that prevent us from rescuing because we'd rather be smarter than a martyr. We must get out it the victim by describing what we're going to do about it. We get out of drama by taking responsibility for our share of the situation. Taking responsibility means taking ownership and then turning that ownership into productivity.

In order to find productivity out of the drama, we need to learn to use the 4F Apology. Here is the template that you would build out relative to specific circumstances or experiences which you need it:

1.  I am sorry specifically FOR ...
2. That must have made you FEEL like ...
3. In the FUTURE I will ...
4. Does that sound FAIR? Will you FORGIVE me?

By stating our role in it we take ownership of the situation. By verbalizing how someone feels we show we are not only enamored with our personal feelings, but rather have taken time to think through what the situation has caused for someone else. We then give a promise to change in the future with regard to circumstances similar to this one. It is fine to fail in new ways, but once we learn a lesson we should let that resonate and then own it. Finally, we ask for forgiveness. Saying sorry is easy and it requires no buy-in from the person you're engaging. Asking for forgiveness requires a verbal confirmation that the individual you're speaking with has moved past it. Without that verbal confirmation, ghosts can linger around conflicts which can poke their face out.

We must own the okayness of our constituents and create an environment where before we react, we look for our part in the play. The workplace does not have to be a constant performance of adopted roles and programmed responses; we can learn to change if we commit to living and acting with intention to find success in the long term.